The New Boss
All the organs of the body were
having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one
in charge.
‘I should be in charge,’
said the brain,
‘Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.’
‘I should be in charge,’ said
the blood ,
‘because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.’
‘I should be in charge,’ said
the stomach ,
‘because I process food and give all of you energy.’
‘I should be in charge,’
said the legs,
‘because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.’
‘I should be in charge,’ said
the eyes,
‘Because I allow the body to
see where it goes.’
‘I should be in charge,’
said the rectum,
‘Because I’m responsible for
waste removal.’
All the other body parts
laughed at the rectum
And insulted him, so in a
huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
The brain had a terrible
headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be
the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the
one in charge!
World Without Engineers
Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~Albert Einstein
Aeronautical Engineers 
Electronics Engineers 
Mechanical Engineers 
Civil Engineers 
Communication Engineers 
Computer Engineers 
Yep! Engineers rock! You could just imagine the world without them. Pathetic.
A Woman’s Week at the Gym
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little brat) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
9 Words Women Use
Here’s something valuable to ponder about. It’s a perfect guideline for all the men out there to understand clearly what women are saying and what they mean. Pay attention!
(1) Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh:
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That’s Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).
(8) Whatever:
Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!
(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.
Got it? No? Well, me too. Women, are by far the most complicated animal on earth! Any man will agree.
Promises
Ever had a day when you finally realize that your behavior is aptly connected or somehow intertwined with anyone’s behavior around you? Well, I had a revelation just this afternoon. There is this big, fat-assed jerk who clearly needs some anger management sessions who just teleported his no-brain jerkwaves activity towards me. I don’t know what just happened but I felt his rage. Apparently it’s a product of projection resulting from a trusted friend who promised something that has turned sour and rotten. Yeah, promises are meant to be broken (he just broadcasted it all over town with his loud, wide, obnoxious mouth). But, I guess not from his world. This made him shoot up like a savage beast out for revenge over a claim for territory. It is tormenting to witness such ill-mannered behavior, especially coming from a respected, classy, senior citizen heck of a fool. That bastard has just channeled his negative vibes on me which eventually bounced onto another yet innocent human being. I have displaced the negative energy almost immediately as it hit me. Poor souls. Hey, I can’t help it. I’m only human. And a jerk-to-go with it.
Overall, it was like a spark fest of bull shiting around to anyone about almost anything. Simply pathetic.
I so needed some control in my life. I’ve just watched the Chinese movie: IP Man — it’s about the well-celebrated life of the less prominent master of Bruce Lee, Wing Chun who courageously used the fist to refuse to become subconjugated by the Japanese militia when China is still under its colony. He is such a calm and very put-together kind of guy, thus, well-respected in and much revered in his town. He was a hero in his own right. He paved the way to China’s freedom after all. I am inspired to be like that. Well, not the fighting type but to be in control of one’s self in any given situation.
Note to self: When I grow up (probably in my second life) I’d like to be a kung fu master.
I highly recommend it. Okay, anyone wouldn’t want commendations from a jerk but in my serious, normal, sane and unmedicated self, I can also be a reliable person in the sense that I have a well-tended garden. Hey, plants trust me for their dear lives, unlike my sister who is a well-known serial killer of foliage in our neighborhood. In addition, I have a penchant for good movies as well as for good reads. I am a self-confessed bookworm. I have a thing for good life and beautiful things too…not just the crazy, weird ones. So, yay me! And, get over it.
Meanwhile, indulge and ponder over this mantra for a bit…this has been my guiding light for some time.
Control is Strength.
Correct priority is Wisdom.
Calmness is Power.
P.S. To the guy who’s spreading his shit around, you need help. There are lots of helpless, vulnerable and innocent being who are trying to have a life. If you’re not from the same specie as we are, I suggest you go back to your planet before I call the Men in Black and get the shit out of you. Understood?
P.P.S. One more thing, Man, get some sleep. It’ll make you feel better, I promise.
-
Archives
-
Categories
-
RSS
Entries RSS
Comments RSS
